Marriage and Individualism

I just started reading Andrew Cherlin's 2009 book, The Marriage Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family Today.  One of the observations he makes is that although we often think of a nation's culture as consistent and unified - a "set of values and expectations that fit togehter to create a coherent whole," it is often the case that culture "contains multiple, inconsisten ways of viewing the same reality, and invididuals choose, sometimes without even realizing it, which view to adopt."

He sees this reflected in the state of marriage in America: Not only do a higher proportion of Americans marry at some point in their lives than in most other Western nations (and marry earlier), but Americans are more likely to breakup and divorce.  "American children were more likely to see their parents break up.  In fact, children born to married parents in the United States were more likely to experience their parents' breakup than were children born to cohabiting parents in Sweden." 

Cherlin suggests this reflects a contradiction in American culture, that our strong culture of marriage and  strong culture of individualism "form a contradictory set of models."  This contradiction is reflected in the fact that despite that most Americans (76%) agree that marriage is a lifetime relationship that should never be ended except under extreme circumstances," they also believe that individuals who are unhappy in their marriages should easily be able to end them.  "What Americans want, in other words, is for everyone else to have a covenant marriage."

The book talks both about the development over time of American views of marriage and of the increase over time of an "expressive individualism" in American culture, "the kind of individualism that involves growing and changing as a person, paying attention to your feelings, and expressing your needs.  Expressive individualism encourages people to look inward to see how they are doing, and it encourages them to want personal growth throughout adulthood."  This culture is not, as Cherlin notes, incompatible with lifelong marriage, but "it requires a new kind of marriage in which the spouses are free to grow and change in in which each person feels personally fulfilled."  The problem, of course, is that when they don't find that fulfillment, they leave. Cherlin finds the same contradictory signals expressed in the American religious experience, which stresses both marriage and individual growth. 

I haven't finished reading the book, so I don't know what conclusion Cherlin ultimately draws.  But my question is - how should we think about these clashes?  On the one hand, a focus in inner growth and continued personal growth through adulthood is a good thing.  I think it is positive that people pay attention to their feelings and express their needs (and the fact that wives do that more than they used to is a good thing).  On the other, this is a cost to marriage breakups, particularly to children.

Is Cherlin wrong to suggest that there is an inherent conflict here?  Or, if there is, how can the tension be minimized?

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