Acknowledging Suffering

A reader had this reaction to my post about acknowledging the suffering involved in raising a child with a disability:

For me, one of the most alienating aspects of much that has been written from a religious perspective about life with a disabled child is the constant stress on how wonderful such children are, and how rewarding life with them can be.  It is as though scholars and others are so frantic to avoid anything that sounds remotely pro-choice that they thrust aside the very real, constant, and profound suffering that parents and siblings of a disabled child must inevitably face.  This attitude can itself cause suffering, because it adds guilt to the already heavy burden, guilt at the very fact that the parents and siblings suffer instead of rejoice.

 As the parent of a disabled child, I deeply resent those who do not have disabled children who tell me that I ought to rejoice in my parenthood, implying that I am wrong to despair.  This is the same resentment that I used to feel when at parents' meetings at my son's elementary school, when other parents tried to lecture me on how it was my fault that he did not do his homework, or told me (as frequently happened) that he would do his homework if only I told him that he could not watch TV until it was completed.  It is the same resentment that I felt when others in supermarkets would glare at me for retaining insufficient control over my child, adding shame to my already long list of emotions.  It is a tragedy when the acquisition of empathy depends on whether one has actually undergone the same experience, as opposed to learning about others who do.  I remain hopeful that humans can learn about what it is like to have a disabled child or sibling without actually undergoing the experience themselves, but I have seen no evidence to support that hope.

The suffering needs to be recognized and accepted as part of the whole experience of having a disabled child, as well as the joys and rewards.

This observation strikes me as profoundly moving and universally applicable:  "It is a tragedy when the acquisition of empathy depends on whether one has actually undergone the same experience, as opposed to learning about others who do."  In other words, it is a tragedy when we lose our capacity for empathy.