Discrimination and Perspective

In response to Rob's post on when is discrimination wrong, I wonder if the hardest question here is the one of perspective, and whose perspective should control.  It seems like there would be not infrequent occasions when the actor's intention was not to demean, but where the particular discriminatory action is received as demeaning - or vice versa.  (I haven't read Deborah Hellman's work, she may touch on this in her book - I'm happy to be illuminated).  Seems like the core-CST question would be what vehicles might help bridge the perspective problem - solidarity?  participation?